- Monday, December 27, 2004 / 7:54 am.
Its been a long long time since i've last blogged. Many things have happened over these past few weeks that changed my perpective of life. A lost of a close one is the most prominent. I've lost my grandma.
My grandma has always been part of my life since i was born, livin with her means that i have a daily interaction with her. She has been there for me since as long as i've know. The lost of a close one is something that is hard to come to terms with, I've seen my family break down, esp my aunts whom i'm so close with, it ain't easy being strong, but that was what my couz told me to do. I havta be strong for the rest. During then, I was breakin down inside, but i had to be strong on the outside for my family. It was extremly difficult, esp for someone like me who wears my feelings on my shoulders. Those 5 days were tough, but through it, I saw my family bond. The ties that bind us are stronger.
My grandma has a greatness in her that many don't get to see, no matter what, she never liked to burden anyone. Even in death, she don't like to make things difficult, it was as if she planned it, so that it doesn't makes things difficult for us, or else who can explain the conincidence that all our family members cld find the time to be there?? By her bedside b4 she left?? I will never forget the time, when i was there alone beside her by the hospital bed, holding her hand, keeping her company, she mumbled something in hokkien, at which i cldn't understand then as it was quite muffled. Then do i realised aftwards, that what she meant was that she wanted to go home, she wans to leave.
I've broken down inside, but thoes wounds have to be kept hidden, for the sake of my aunts & parents, i havta keep it to myself. The guilt that i felt for not spending enough time with her, esp these past few years since my life has gotten busy. The lost that i feel, when i look at her chair and realise that she will no longer be coming back. The pain that pierce through, when i look at her bed and think back. These are things that no one can help heal, I think that no matter how old or where i go, these memories will always bring tears to me. Even as now, tears running down as i type tis, i turn and look at my grandma's chair, i see her fan, her smelling oil, her fav clock that sits by, I have tis feeling that if i look hard enough, I can see her there, in her usual seat, seating there, smiling at me and swinging her legs.
This is a chapter of my life that i'm closing, only the memories will stay.