Life's full of surprises isn't it. I'm blank out on thoughts. Going through a period of numbness.



How long is sufficent?
What is sufficent?

Why do we always feel thats its never enough?
Why we always want more?
Why do we always want the best and doesn't settle for less?

If it sufficent when it feels right?
Is it long enough when it becomes stagnent?

Is it peace, content or numbness?
at peace? Yes.
content with life? No.
numb from all that has happened? Yes.

detachment is a skill
skill is a trait
trait is useful
useful is when it heals

why can't i detach?



When u stop questioning?
When do u stop doubting?
When does everything stop?
When do u start regretting?
When do u start trusting?
When do u start getting scared?
When will things be better?
When will u feel secure?

When did life become so complicated?



Oh Happy day! Oh happy day! Rejoice, Rejoice, Rejoice.
Rejoice in my semster 1 assignments all OVER! Nada. Period. KAPUT!
Celebration for today. I'm NOT gonna touch any of my books! Wahahaha!

Come on, sing in my celebration! Be happy! I so am!
In my joyful happiness, i did what i do best. SHOP! Bought a skirt and top. HEE! (and do bit of my grocery shopping too.. hee..) BUT ITS HAPPINESS TIME! Let me savour this day for as long as it is. Tmr is back to the books again.

*sigh* i can't go club or go chill with anyone. Sad huh? *sigh*



I AM PISSED! Enough with doing assignments with people. I've had enough of it. Especially with taiwanese people. Don't want to discriminate, but i've heard nothing good bout them. And i'm not the only one. Did my accounting assignment with a taiwanese girl, she pissed the hell outta me. Its the last straw now.

What am i doing up so early? Basically, i took a 6hrs nap, woke up at 3am to finish up my dreaded bus research assignment. That is on a solo basis. The accounting one we had to pair up. Firstly, SHE hasn't done a single thing, we've had a total of 4 meetings on this, each time, i'm the one thats more prepared. Think bout it, i choose the company, we changed a few companies, cause each time i reach a point where i find out they don't suit the criteria. Then i said we were to do our own calculations. Until the last meeting did i see a BIT of her calculations, and there were hell a of mistakes. I wonder did she even read the lecture notes. I highly doubt so. Then we decided to split, i decided to take the harder one by doing the 2 page report. All she had to do was type up the calculations that was done. She took mine, photostat it and brought it home, while me on the other hand, had to do more research while she just had to do that SIMPLE task. I finished the accounting report on friday! For goodness sake, i sent her an email then. She had the nerve to call me at 11pm just now and ask where was the report, after pointing out to her that i've sent it to her email she said : 'Oh!'. I told her to send me her part for me to have a look. The calculations. When i woke up just now and saw it, i almost fainted! SHE WAS BLOODY SLOPPY! All she did was to type everything i wrote into microsoft word, didn't even bother making it look neat! For goodness sake, use tables lar, its calculations neh, slop everything together looks HORRIBLE. Doesn't she have any sense at ALL?? Apparantly NOT! Then i had to re-do EVERYTHING! nvm that, i found out that there were 2-3 calculations error. She didn't even bother checking! Pissed sia. Worse part, the requirements that we round off to 4 decimal points, she just dump the whole thing in. Exactly coping what i did on paper onto word. PISSED! Had to spend one hr re-doing it. Now, i'm boiling so mad, i need to release before i can get back to my Job Stress article.

Seriously, i've yet to hear anything good bout taiwanese people doing project in this uni, another s'porean friend of mine was also pissed at his 2 taiwanese groupmate for another project. He said they were lazy, sloppy, don't even bother putting in the effort. I TOTALLY AGREE. I don't wan to discriminate, but SHE gave me a totally bad IMPRESSION. Sucks. Last straw. I even changed the % of contribution. Don't care, i put mine 60 while hers 40. Actually i think i shd lower hers, thinking back, its like i'm the one doing all the explanations, she doesn't even do a single BIT. Pissed pissed. Now, i've gotta rush that other paper. So that i can make it for this accounting cut off time. SICKO!



I shd be finishing up my assignment now. I shd, but i'm not. I've hit the 1800 mark. I know i've got hell a lot of editing to do. I know i'm gonna sit down in front of the tv from 6.30pm onwards to 10pm. BUT i'm not doing anything to finish the assignment. HELP! I think smthing is terribly wrong with me. I'm suppose to be kan jiong cuz its due tmr. and its 30% but i'm NOT! What the hell is wrong with me. All i feel like doing is go out and have fun. But no one wanna go with me! *sobx* everyone's busy with their work and studying.

The weather is getting hotter now, i'm getting lethargic again. Not mood again. This is terrible. All i'm thinking now is that if i had a car and my license, i won't be sitting at home already. I bet i'll be driving out to somewhere. Damm. How i wish i'm back home in sg. If i were, i know its likely i'll be working today, either that or there'll be smthing NICE on tv for me to watch. Or else i'll be asking my babes out for lunch or a short trip to J8. Bottom line, i wld be occupied. Now, i'm trying my best to start on my assignment, but i totally can't. Is it the weather thats killing me mood? Feel like slapping myself outta this mood.



Was bumming ard the web, came across an old classmates blog. For her life she's doing good, but seeing her tagboard, made me upset. All the insults thrown at her because she's living the life she chooses and she blogs because she wanna share with her friends? Seriously, all those idiots out there, have no sympathy. U know, i think they insult cuz their jealous of her, jealous that her life is much better than hers. They call her a slut. That is the ultimate, when they don't even KNOW her at all. What they say really do irks me. Seriously, the worse part, i feel really bad for her, after tagging on a short msg of mine to wish her well, i get bummed at, for tagging that i'm glad she's doing good! Can u imagine the nerve of those people?

What has she done to deserve that kinda insults from ppl she don't even know? Just because she blogs her life, does things the way she does, says things that she really do feel? Does that consitude that she's wrong? I always stand in view that everyone has their own opinions, their own way of life, doesn't mean that i agree with what some of the ppl do with their life, i read it if they do blog, take it in and try to understand. If i don't, then be it. I don't go around insulting other people i don't know. Perhaps, its because i've had a more understanding nature? Perhaps, because i am more 'open' when it comes to other people? Perhaps because i've been brought up with values that means not insulting others when i don't know them at all?

Do i just feel that way? I know outside the web world, we talk, we discuss bout other blogs, like xiaxue, what we think, how we don't agree. But i know we don't go there and outright insult the person. Actually, i kinda admire the way how some bloggers, like for example, xiaxue, are able to live with the insults and not be angry over it, flare up and leave the blogging world. Although i don't agree with her opinions, even behind the web world, i don't go an insult her, but looking at her comments, some cowardly people do. Obviously many of the commenters are s'porean. S'pore isn't that big, with so many ppl commenting, i'm sure some who doesn't like her will bum into her on the road. Why then do u not go up to her and insult her in her face? Isn't that more direct? Isn't that better than being a coward and hiding behind the view of the tagboard? As i was saying, take for example, xiaxue. She's not an anomynous blogger. She puts on pictures on her blog, which does make her a target on the road shd she meet someone who really hates her posts, but on the other hand, even with all the insults flying at her, she still carries on saying what she thinks and doing things the way she has always been doing it. She doesn't sway to her readers and changes what she blogs. For that, i do admire that 'strongness'. If i were to have all that kinda insults thrown at me, i doubt i'll be able to do the same.

Now, i blog for one sole reason. To keep my friends updated with my life. To share my thoughts with MY FRIENDS. Blogging, now is easier than sending an email everyone, it makes it easier cause i can attach pictures without needing to email it with an attachment. I'm thankful that i've had friends around me that are interested and have care and concern for me. I'll be ever so glad not to meet those 'insulters'. They, disgust the hell outta me. I'm not perfect, but at least i don't precieve like i am to the whole world. URG!



I shd be mugging like mad over my assignment now. But i'm not. Haa. of the 3000 words, i've hit 800. And this is due on monday. *sigh* i seriously have no mood to do it. How? Can someone motivate me?

Actually, i think i'm a weird mood now, have no idea why the hell did i wake up at 6.30am today. Tot i cld do my laundry earlier so i don't clash with rani or adele. Instead, rani woke up earlier than me! Then i sat down for 1hr and did 400 of my 800 words done. Mad rite? Doing my report at 6.30am? I'm crazy. Then i made hui go for breakfast with me at the bakery. Had our talk over chicken pie and tea. Haa.. Seriously, I can't believe i'm going out for breakfast. Doesn't sound like me does it? I think i'm seriously mad.

Now, i've finished my laundry and done my grocery list. All done in the morning. Haa, i think i've changed. Can u imagine me doing that back in sg? U don't even see me earlier than 11am back home. So weird. I hope i can get back to a late lifestyle back home though, it sucks waking up so early when there's nothing to do.

Shdn't i feel pressurize now? I shd rite? But i don't. ARG! I think i'm wacked. Totally. *sigh*
Yeah, i was thinking bout my hols as well. Was wondering if i shd do a steamboat party or smthing, that house of mine seems so empty, hmm.. shd i host some parties there? Anyone wans to come? Shd we do our lingerie party there darlings? This hols? LL - drinking yeah? Babes, wanna do another AGM? hee.. I'm starting up my old habits again, planning of my parties after exam when i shd be looking at planning for my exams first. Haa.. Someone slap me. I'm seriously terrible.



Ok, i've FINALLY finished the report for my 3rd assignment due on monday. Now, i've got to started on my cursed one. I really hate doing that one, i know i know, get it over and done with. I have a bad feeling i won't do well in that subject. A good Pass will do for that subject. I'm procrastinating, i really do HATE that Business Research Methods.

Ok ppl, amuse me. I'm really gonna get bored over the weekend, since i'm stuck at home. I wonder, what do u ppl miss bout me not being there?
Is it the sms-es?
Is it the thought that 'hey, i can call ah des, she'll be able to make it.'?
Is it me being there to do the organising?
Is it me and my crap?
Is it calling me out for clubbing sessions cuz i'm always up for it?
Is it my love for mahjong?
Is it me always loving an excuse to go shopping?
Is it me to go for medi/pedi?
Is it me being there for the supper sessions?
Is it all my talk and my listening ear?
Is it my bear hug?
Hmm... I wonder. Come on, tell me...



You know, i'm getting a education just by sitting on my butt and listening to the radio. In specific b105. (LL, u gotta tune in to this station.) Early in the morning, at 8am. There they go, 2 guys talking about vasectomy, how painful it gets, how it feels like. One caller said the reason that he got one was cuz he has 4kids, and he hates wearing a condom. Haa.. then he went on elaborating that with a condom he can't be spontaneous in the relationship, it kills the mood. It wasn't what he said that made me laugh, it was how he said it. Like he was absoultely fustrated, even after having a vasectomy. Made me sputter over my ceral. Hee..

Then this other guy called in and started comparing. He said that it shdn't have to be the men that has to have a vasectomy, it isn't fair, it shd be the girls. Why? Cuz he said that for ladies, all they need to do is tie the tubes, tuck it and doesn't leave a scar. For guys, its a cut, tuck, burn. Its a 99% reversal success for ladies with its only 50% success for guys. Woah, that's interesting. To me. Then the DJs brought in a lady caller to start a debate. U know what the guy caller said then? Ladies shd be the one getting it cuz they are used to being examined. I was like WTF, this guy has no respect. The Lady caller stood up! She argued that ladies, have no privacy as it is, having the whole wide world already seeing ur vagina. And she had 3 kids already. Boy, it was really interesting.

Radio stations here in aus is really so open. Feels good, i mean come on, where in the world wld u be able to hear such things back in sg. All Glenn Ong did back then was just breaching some subject that isn't even related into the details and he gets a warning. Sometimes i think whats the use of preventing this and that to be heard? Sensoring almost everything. Come On, kids, one way or the other will be able to learn bout it rite? By thinking that they're 'protecting' the kids, the kids won't be able to get it? They are so wrong, haven't they ever thought how kids will react or be viewed as when they go overseas. Sometimes, i think the sg gov contridicts themselves, they promote that the country is international, but on the other hand, to be an international country, shdn't they be open as well? I know, they fear to often the older 'baby boom' generation, the ppl who holds all the money and power. But i think seriously, they're just too 'old-fashioned'. They arn't as 'fashionable' as they think. It will never be the day that i'll be able to see soft porn on tv back in sg, comparative to here, where french shows and soft porn are shown on tv after 12am. Fat Hope.

Was flipping back my emails, came across this one that Faith sent, haa... made me laugh what we did last weekend. *smilez*

3rd September 2005

Dearie!

Guess what? I'm coming to Bris on the 14 and 15th OCT!! YOU, I repeat, YOU must come and see me, personally. I don't care what you gonna do in my room-sleep, eat, strip, watch porn (if available), bathe...etc (the list goes on) BUT YOU must be there. Fufilled rite? I eat, sleep and we talked. Haa.

This is the first reminder. I would strongly encourage you to mark this special and meaningful day on your calendar. (Pocket PC, handphone(s) reminders also can) Marked. Big Big somemore.

As this would be my first official trip there (yes i know, but u coming in dec too mah.) , I would expect you to welcome me with a big banner containing the following:

FAITH TEI SHIQI, (you may consider excluding my Chinese name BUT with my surname preferred. We do not want to have a case of identity crisis in the airport) ...WELCOME TO BRIS! WE ALL LOVE YOU!! Of course not lar, but the big hug did subsituted didn't it?

I wrote "WE all love you!!" because I reckon you might need company to the airport. So you and your friends can be dressed in either:

1) Pink
2) Turquoise Green similar rite?
3) Blue (least preferred)

This is for my convenience. REASON: I can easily spot your big group with these colors. I strongly recommend ONLY these colors. However, if you have any other suggestions, kindly inform me, I would take into serious considerations. (Provided, colors do not fall into the category of: Dirty Green, Black or White. *P.S* I've never liked M. Jackson a.k.a "The Fagger".) I would appreciate the warm welcome with NO poppycock cheers please. Oh, by the way! just for the record, I'm reading up a book...interesting but I reckon, sales are not too satisfactory, I mean how many people in this world need it?!!!... "How celebrities keep profile low...and cool?"

Now you know why its a big NONO to any preposterousness performance. I do not want any uninvited attention from the media. Enough said. u don't want uninvited attention? My dear, u attract attention. Haa.. (ok just kidding.)

Please roger this email by replying. This means hitting the "REPLY"/ "REPLY TO ALL" button and write back!!! Please do not, I repeat DO NOT give excuses for replying me in less than 1500 words. (Just because you've got a blog and me-none to update, does not contribute to any excuses.) I expect a full report/reply within 2 non-working days - Monday. Of course i won't put in any report. Haa..

I appeal to your cooperation and it is greatly appreciated.

Regards,
Faith Tei
Managing Director
FT Pte Limited

(Just in case, FT stands for "Full of Trash) Yes, really full of trash. Haa.

Oh yah, Jo, u're not the only one having LS, I've been having it for 2 weeks. And its not stopping. *sigh*

OK! Its 2 down, 2 more to go. Assignments will be all over for me by Monday! Yipee!! For that i'm happy, but before i can rejoice. I must face my death first this weekend. Facing the most burnt weekend i'll every have. Slaving over Job Stress and Microsoft Word. Shit. As i've mentioned in my previous posts, dumb & cursed subject, but i've gotta do it.

That on top of my pain. Me being me, tried a different aerobics class on tues, one that targetted my thighs, butt and abs. (god knows i need help in that area, badly.) Now, i'm suffereing from over-exerting myself on it. Its the 2nd day after it and i'm still hurting. U know whats the worse part? Walking to campus is terrible as it is, even with the small upslopes and downslopes, it kills me, i'm walking like a penguin trying to walk properly. The worse part is sitting down, esp on the toilet seat. I've gotta use the side walls to support myself. ARG! Yoko yoko isn't helping much for now. I hope it heals by monday though. i can survive sitting down for the next few days since i have to. But i need to get out on monday, i NEED to go shopping. I can't even do my daily crunches now, hurts too much to laugh too. Going down the steps kills me. Damm it.



Blackout plunge me into darkness, just as i was about to cook dinner. No lights at all throughout the whole neighbourhood. 2nd time this month. ARG! Lasted for 45mins and made me starve for 1hr!

oh yeah and I.AM.ACHING.ALL.OVER!!



Sitting at my com now, i'm supposed to be finishing up my presentation. But, hand itchy, switched on the radio to my usual station b105. and guess what's the topic? Its: 'Would you have sex for money? and if so, how much?' GOD! Not a good topic to be listening to when you're suppose to be doing a presentation on reality tv. But, ha, now i'm starting to listen to it, i won't switch the station on. Hee.. Hey, its interesting. Some guy just said that he was paid by his mate's mother to have sex with her and he did it! And he's saying that his mate's mother is hot. Interesting, but of course, i'm thinking: ' is he lying?' But on the other hand, couple of callers have said No to sex for money. Some are virgins, some profess it no because of Love.

Hmm, makes me wonder, that constitues prostitution doesn't it? But, when thoes ppl call in, they sound totally normal. There's this one caller's comment that is very similar to my thinking (but not the same). She said that she won't do it, cuz its against her principles, but she doesn't condem it, as in she admires those who are able to do it, able to put aside all that was told about sex be sacred and only doing it for love. Hmm.. that set me thinking, i condem sex when its like prostitution, of course i don't think its right to have sex for money, thus thats why i'm amazed how ppl can set aside all their morals and do it. Sell their body. Sometimes, i do think that it takes a person a lot of courage for a person to become a prostitue. But they have the courage to become a prostitude, why are they not able to use that courage to do something decent instead? Is it really true that once they are in it, they can't get out of it?

Now, one caller who called in said Yes, he will do it. Here's the catch, not only is he male, he's also gay. Claiming that he has been with his partner for 5yrs and they have an open relationship. In actual fact, he's not the 1st gay person i've heard said that they do have sex with others although they have a partner. Interesting isn't it? Makes me wonder, is the gay community really THAT open? Don't they experience the same kind of want to be with the only one? Hmm.. I ponder.

This radio station just gets more and more interesting. Every night they do this Love, Sex and Relationship. I'm gonna enjoy it whilst it last. For i know i won't get this back home. Ha.

ALRIGHTY! One down! 3 more to go! Woot!

Actually, towards the end of this just handed in assignment, i had totally no mood to go edit anything furthur, sick and tired of doing it already. All my mood for doing assignments lost. Reason: Faith. Darling, u totally spoilt my studying mood, now doing wanna study liao..Haa, ok, cannot totally blame u, i'm feeling too itchy now to study either. Haa.

And i'm preparing for my death this weekend. with that blasted 3000word report and the accounting one that also requires report writing due on next monday. I"M SO DEAD. For now, i'm gonna enjoy this remaining 2-3 days of rest. *sigh*

Oh yeah, and some more pixs, courtesy of ivone. [piss... jo, jealous?... hee...] *grinz*


So happy to see each other!


Girls in Brissy Chinatown


Ladies just love taking pics, don't we? haha


Thats Ivone and me!

Spending fri nite with my darling faith, was one of my best spent time here in brisbane. I didn't know how much i missed her until i was waiting anxiously for her arrival. Didn't know how much i missed talking to her and seeing her until i met her. Saw her at Jimmy's with her crew having dinner. Brought them ard to Pancake Manor. Spending the night at her hotel, talking until both of us doze off. I missed that so much. After she left and i came home, even rani cld see i'm having withdrawal sympthoms. Nvm, as i've told her, i'll be back soon. *sobx* dearie! Miss u! I'm glad to have you here. I'll pray that ur planning department will bring u back to bris next sem again!


Faith & Me @ Jimmy's


Ooo, strawberry pancake!


Our supper!


Enjoy!


The next day, me and sweetie, all ready to go out.


Ivonne, faith and me on citycat.


Back in the hotel, enjoying my starbucks and magazine, curled up on a sofa while faith is resting before her flight.


Ms Singapore Girl


Me & a kebaya dressed Faith


Seeing her all prim up, looks so different!


Candid pics!


Sending them off, all dressed up. Ivonne & Faith, i'm glad you came! *mucks* See U Soon!

Dearest mimi:
you've finally hit the mark of the 21st. my dear, you've grown so much throughout the years i've known you. From the 'geaky' bob hair mimi, to this lovely, pretty girl. I know life always has its hurdles and it always looks very difficult to go through, but you'll be able to do it ok? Always rem, no matter what happens, you can count on me and the girlies to be there for you. On this blessed day, i give you my best wishes, though i'm not there, you know i'll always give my best. *mucks* Love you!

And now, for my Dearest Po:
popo, zhang da le! I know all the hassle of the celebration is tiring, but ain't you glad that its all over? i know you've had a lot of fun despite the tiredness. Yes, i wan to be there to hug you and wish you in person, you know that i wan to so much, but unfortunately i can't. But as always, i'll call you. The past yr hasn't been easy on you, but granted that, i'm proud to see you go through it with your head high. You've matured a lot, i can still remember that short bob hair girl sitting in front of me playing her liu qing, now, you're sitting in front of the com creating and designing fantastic stuff. You go girl! Always rem, no matter how much doubts you have, how tough it may be, at the end of the day, it will be alright. I'm always a msn chat away rite? *mucks* I love you.

Happy 21st Birthday Dearest Mimi and Po. All my best, keep going Strong!

Oh yeah, and one more thing. I Love You my girlies! Woot! & of course my Darlings too! Hee.

( piss... with so much of proclaiming our love for each other, i wonder if other ppl think we're lesbian? hmm... haa.. ok, just kidding.. can u see i'm in a good mood? *grinz*)



After my emotional blog yest. Its time to feel chirpy again. Yes! The main reason why... CUZ I'LL BE SEEING FAITH IN 4 HRS TIME!! Haa, can't believe i'm so happy rite? Yeah, thus the reason for me being lazy now.

My conscience has been nagging at me to finish up my mkting report as it is due on monday and i'll not be able to do anything tmr. But, i really don't have the heart to do so. Ha. So kill me. Slap me.

Behind my mind, i have a 3000 word business reseach paper to hand in on monday. That i have not yet started yet either. I'm so so dead. Yes, been procrastinating on that subject. Its my cursed subject. I mean really. CURSED! I have 2 assignments and an exam paper for that Business Reseach Methods subject and for EVERY SINGLE assignment as well as the coming exam paper - IT HAS TO CLASH WITH ANOTHER DEADLINE! Explaining: Assignment no1 was an annotated review, that was due on the 29th aug, that deadline clashed with my financial mgmt assignment. Assignment no.2 - THIS research paper is due on 24th oct, clashing with my accounting assignment. End-yr exam - now this one really tops the lot, falling on the 19th of nov, it had to be a 2.30pm paper, and on the SAME day, i have a 8am marketing paper too, that adding on to the fact that they had to put this bloody subject on the last day of the whole exam period. Can you believe it? So bloody pissed with that subject. Its a dumb one to begin with. Who in their right mind would go out and look for a job that requires you to write a reseach paper. Come on, its a BUSINESS MANAGEMENT degree, not a RESEARCH degree. Pigheads. Serves the lecturer right that out of the hundreds of students in this module, only about 10 attends his lecture every week. Haa.

That seems to be the only downer in my agenda now. I wan to get that over and done with, crap work i'm gonna hand in i think. Pray hard for me on that.

Oh yeah and also AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO EVERYONE: I'M GOING TO TAKE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE. Yes, i am, found 2 kahkees and i'm gonna do it. Weighted the pros and cons already. Everyone has told me that getting a license in aus isn't easy. Now, what i'm gonna do is when i get back to sg, rush straight to registration and do my lessons twice a week. CROSS MY FINGERS, i'll be able to do it. Ppl have told me its possible. Know why i wanna do that? cuz when i calculated the total cost i need to pay for the aussie lessons on average, shd be around AUD700, cuz i need to take from a driving school, no one i know has an open license to teach me, now, getting a normal license in aus doesn't mean i can drive when i go back sg, i cannot! Its not an international license. Then, i need to take the sg theory and practical over again, which means forking out about S$200 for the convertion. Overall the cost will be close to S$1100, isn't worth it sia. Might as well take back in sg. Somemore sg license is international. Haa. But i'm worried on one factor. That is time. Will i be able to get everything done within 3mths? That one worries me a bit.

Ending off, i think i'm gonna go melb next sem. midterm holiday, (which really isn't mid of the term btw, more like beginning instead.) its gonna be a 10day hol in melb, i think the dates are 14th to 23rd april. Hee.. i wanna go visit daphne there. Mom is so gonna kill me. Oh yah, btw, anyone wans to go sydney next yr? ard 24th jun to 24th july? Thinkin maybe i won't go back to sg during that one mth break, instead go stay with my aunt. Hee.. sounds good rite? Then i can see my babies too! *sob* i miss them. Still wanna get a dog.

For now, i'm swirlling off to finish that blasted assignment and then i'm off! Woot!

Warning: Before you start reading this entry of mine. Be prepared to sit there for at least a while. This one is gonna be an emo entry for me, and one of the longest one i've typed.

In reflection of my past 95 days here. I've gone through enough to make the past 5yrs of my life seem shallow. To everyone, i've always been percieved as a someone whoes independent, someone who knows how to get things done, knowledgeable enough, someone who always puts on a similing face and is up for anything. In me, they know they can always count on to meet up and be there for them. Yes, to all the above, (i'm proud to admit), i know that i am. But only to a few do they know what goes down inside.

I've kept a part of my life a secret from many, my relationship life that is. Yes, i've been blogged cursing and stuff, but nv did i state the reason why. Its a part of me that i'm still learning to cope with, a part that is not confident to come out in the open yet. I don't know why, perhaps i'm not confident in my feelings in that area. The ones who stood by me through this, even though we are quite afar, i thank you. Deeply. You girls have been my pillar of support, the phone calls, the chats and emails. They pull me through each day i'm here. I thank god that you are my friend. Heartfelt thanks. Through this i know that somehow, we'll always be a lifetime of friends, for as long as we lived.

I doubt anyone can truely say that they understand what i've been through. Its time i tell the truth. My life here in brissy, has gone through many ups and downs. More than a mth ago, i was home alone for 5 consecutive days. That was something that i had to deal with and i went through it, then hit my depression stage. My housemates were all out doing there own stuff. I've had no one to call then, just sitting in front of the tv doing nothing. I couldn't call anyone of my friends and go out. I'm stuck alone. It was then that it really hit me that how alone i am here.

I no longer regret my choice of coming here to brisbane. In a certain way, my choice was one that made me grow up. I've learnt to feed for myself and watch my own back. I've learnt survival skills actually. Somehow, i'm strong when i detach myself from my close ones back home, friends and relatives. When i start to talk to them, read bout their life, i break down. The feeling of homesickness overwhelms me. It stops me, and gives me moments to miss. After that, until something comes up or i get busy, do i build up my wall again. I know seeing faith this sat will break my down again after she leaves. Yes, in some way, i'm thankful that i will be busy with exams and assignments then. Shd i be left with nothing to pressurize me, i think i'll cry all over again.

The tears i've shed, are a lot. You know my babes, each time i call ya'll, be it just to chat, or to catch ya'll during the birthday parties, when i hang up, my eyes will water with tears. Especially so when i call during the bday parties, you babes will never know how much i've yearned to be there, deep down, i do ache and feel sad that i'm not there. I've never known how much i've come to rely on you guys to keep me grounded, keep me company, be there for me until i've been away. In many ways, you girls have moulded me to whom i am now. For that, i thank god everyday that we're best friends. In truth, being away made me closer to you. Esp to graces and lavie. You girls have listen to my woes, through email and phone calls. Thank you. I Love you girls. *mucks*

It does suddenly hit me that for the past 3mths, there are some who i've only spoken to once or none. Valen and mimi, babes, where have you girls been? Its been ages since i've last spoken to you or we have chatted online or exchanged an email. Gosh. We've actually got quite a lot to catch up, don't we?

My darling jo, your weekly emails are really a bliss. It never fails to amaze me that, us, being coursemates for 3yrs, only really got to know each other less than 1nhalf yrs ago. And in this time, the understanding that passes through us are as old as a decade. Each of us have our own other groups of close friends, but when we get together, we enjoy each other's company to the max. You've taught me a lot, through you, i've learnt many things as well. Me, u, faith, pauline and jj has had some of the most fun and wild times, never would i wan to forget. *mucks* A lifetime of friendship to the darlings club (as faith named it.)

Its nearing the end of my 1st semester, i know when i go back, i'll look at my friends, my surroundings differently. Back then, i was just a kid, still living in my secluded world, thinking i'm independent and complaining that i'm bored with my lifestyle. Now when i go back, i'll learnt to be thankful instead, to treasure all the precious moments i have with my parents, family and friends. The 3 precious mths of summer holidays, will be filled with laughter joy and happinness. I'm determined that it would be. We shall enjoy won't we?

You know, there's smthing which i rarely allow myself to think about. Each time when i hear of friends losing their love ones, i start to think, what would i do when i lose someone close to me. True, i've lost friends and family myself. Most recently my grandma, but with my grandma, i've dealt with it in silence. I didn't dare to tell anyone in my family how i felt. How guilty i feel at times, for times in which i knew i wasn't nice to my grandma. My grandma has always been there, whenever i return home, she's there. She reprimands me for my own good, only 4yrs ago did i realised that. Young, i used to despise it when she scolds me, but now, i do regret, for not spending more time at home, accompanying here. I still remember, 3days before her death, i sat at her bedside and looked at her sleep. Then, i felt sadness and guilt, but at the same time i felt peace. Just looking at my grandma sleep. Come this 11th dec, will be her 1yr death anniversary. On that day, i know i'll look back a yr ago, look at my family and remember the sadness and the tears that were on their faces. I'm sad that my grandma did not lived long enough to see me past my 21st bday, but i'm thankful to know that during the past 20yrs of my life, she was a part of it. From 11th dec 04 til date, i haven really allowed myself to break down yet. And i'm afraid to do so. Now i am. I cry for her, emotions whelm up that cannot be put into words.

Something that i've not admit, i am a natural worrier, i worry for the health and saftey of my parents constantly. Esp my dad. Little people know, but now, my dad's health has detoriated a lot. Daddy's vision isn't as clear, yes he still drives, but he can't see well. Adding on that he is diebatic and has high blood pressure, daddy has had portions of skin on his leg that has 'died' and has to be carved out. Daddy also suffers from water retention in his legs. This. Daddy's health detoriating, i've never been able to bring myself to admit to it. In my mind, dad's always this strong person that i can go to, someone who loves me unconditionally. I'll always remember his tears for me when he and mom left brisbane. God, i wan my parents so much now.

The only way in which i was able to pull myself through these past days was to shut my thoughts and feelings aside, detach myself from the world back in sg. Now i know i can't do that anymore, i have to face it. I have to face the fact that my parents are going on their life back home and that they will be fine, face it that daddy's health is not as good as it had been, but he will still live on and til then, i'll cherish him and mommy for as long as i live. I'll face it, that my friends back home still do miss me as much as i do them. Although i don't hear it constantly, i shouldn't doubt the fact that they are missing me. Face it that i will miss gatherings and celebrations, but to know that there will be more to come.

Know why the sudden emotional forthcoming? Cuz i've watched a re-run of oprah winfrey show on the katrina catasthrophe. I've run through thoughts in my mind and the what if situation if it were me there in that horror, what will happen. I don't ever want that to happen. Ever, but hey, i know i can't stop it shd it come, thus, that made me think, made me realise that i have to cherish my friends around me, more so my family and love ones back home.

All of a sudden. I'm tired of life. Is the flu, fever and diarrheoa getting to me?



I'm still dragging myself around. *sigh* Being sick and away from home at the same time, i really dispised it so so much. Times like this is when homesickness really falls on me. I didn't wan to tell mom or dad when they called last night, didn't wan them to worry.

Everyone here is really busy with their own stuff, it really hits home how much alone u are here, times like this, i really wish someone can be close to comfort me. *sigh* Its another down time for me. But seriously, this came at the worse possible time. I sure hope i'm well enough by the time faith comes. *fingers crossed*




And now i have diarrhoea. Best!

I've put a new first to my list, within a spam of 4mths and less, i've fallen really ill 3 times. Tats a first for me, considering the fact that i don't even get the flu more than twice a yr usually. With the exception of headaches, i don't usually get anything else. And now this! Fantastic. I don't know i'm gonna study now.

Fed Up!



Ever since i got back, i've had a problem sleeping. Keep tossing and turning every single night. In fact... hmm... i haven't had a good night sleep in bout 12days, the last good night rest i can remember was my last night in adelaide. (and that was due to fact that i only got back home at bout 3am.. hee..) I know its terrible, no matter how i keep telling myself to rest my mind and go to bed, i'll always end up having dreams, then jerk out of the dream somewhere into 3-4hrs of sleep, thereafter falling back to sleep again, only to start another dream. By then, at 7.30-8am, i would wake up and be unable to fall back to sleep. That timing is no matter how late i sleep, like 2am or 3am, i'll end up waking up latest by 8am. Its really quite sickening. Esp now, when i need all the rest i can get, or shd i say, when i need to rest properly. I simply can't! Someone please tell me what to do!! *wails* I can't go on like this for the next month n half. Its really getting terrible.

Based on my current lifestyle, late nights are so occassional as a blue moon! (when i mean late, i'm referring to sleeping at 3am etc,) But then, i'm starting to get eye bags again! My body's been aching the past few days, esp after i woke up. I think my body's in a terrible shape physically now. Most importantly, besides the backaches and sleepless nights, i sprained my right wrist. It hurts when i twist it to the right, i can't carry heavy stuff like a used to. And i can't get it medicated, there's no tie da yi sheng near by! I wonder how i'm gonna go through with my exams then. Typing's alright for me, but writing for long, it will hurt. Think i have to tahhan until i get back to sg, to get it treated. No, it doesn't swell, just a suan pain. Haiz. What am i doing?

Mind and body is not in the right frame. Sick.

Mood Analysis Test

You are constantly trying to make a favorable impression and endeavoring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavors are truly appreciated. Be careful... just as 'you' may be endeavoring to influence others, 'they' may indeed be influencing you.

You are a true extrovert, frivolous and outgoing. You need to feel in control of any situation. If matters are not proceeding according to plan you tend to get extremely irritable and perhaps become difficult to live with.

For some time now it would seem that you have been frustrated and emotionally inhibited. The circumstances which appear to be beyond your control are making it very difficult for you to develop the detached emotional attitude that you seek.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

Quite true sia. Try it out at http://www.colorgenics.com

I'm getting homesick all over again. This time its stronger. I guess from all the pampering i got from my aunts and then coming back here. Its really quite depressing. Adding on to the fact that i know i'll be returning home soon in 2mths time. Everything seems to fall apart. I've no motivation now to do well for my work. I just wan to get it over and done with.

Someone please shake me up, slap me, please tell me what i need to hear.

I miss everyone so much. I wan to hug everyone, get back into my comfort zone. Realised that i'm not so brave after all. *sigh*



Yeap, i'm back in brissy alright.

The trips to Adelaide & Sydney were fantastic on the whole. I'm so glad to meet up with weiying & sheam in adelaide. The shopping and PLAYING MAHJONG! gosh, how i missed that. My itched had been cured in the meanstime. Hee.. The scenery is so country side in South Australia. Esp in Barossa Valley, had a ball going ard vineyards wine tasting for free! Whee! Then came Sydney. Man oh man. Walking my babies everyday is good theraphy. Haven seen those 2 in ages, but they still remembered me! Aunt Lisa & Uncle John was so so good to me! Its unbelievable staying with them (now i know why mom didn't really wan me to go to NSW and stay with them. She knows her sister too well to know that i'll be spoilt like mad!) Home cook meals and all the chauffering ard. Man. Thoes days were bliss, and breath of fresh air! Haa. Saw so much, the Blue Moutains, the Sydney Harbour Cruise, Bondi & Cronulla Beach, the Zoo and the markets. And i even got lifetime membership to the Sydney Casino. Haa.. won $10 at the slots there too!

Now, *Sigh* u know, i seriously have lotsa mixed feelings. On one hand, i'm glad to be back in bris, to see my friends again, but then, upon reaching, i realised that my housemates are all out. Hui, being busy with her projects, haiz.. i've come to realised that i do rely on her for company a lot. I guess the fact that she's the only other person i've managed to connect with here in brissy. I'm missing those days with sheam & weiying, i guess, if they weren't there, i wouldn't even considered going to Adelaide. (yesh, although aunt regina is there, but then, truthfully, i'm not that close to her, never was, isn't that much now either.) I miss sydney with aunt lisa, life's been good for those 6 days staying with her, she pampers me so much that she reminds me of mom so much.

(*sigh* i want my mommy! can't help being a baby nowadays. I miss everyone so much. Its been 3mths and counting, but the feeling hasn't faded. actually, its grown bit by bit each day.)

She brought me out, took me around, treated me dinners, she and uncle john have become so so dear to me, THANK U SO MUCH AUNT LISA! now, it really makes me homesick all over again. (Oh yeah, and to my babies - toto & mimi). I wonder will i have the courage to pick myself out of singapore and return here next semester? I really do wonder.

Its time to plonk myself back into the books again, I've neglected them so much. I'm so gonna die soon, with 4 assignments and 4 exam papers to do within a span of 1nhalf mths, i'm so so dead. But i can't seem to get my butt moving and get back into studying. *sigh* someone tell me, encourge me, shake me up! Seem to realise that i have a pattern of mood swings. Each time my life slows down here in bris, i get homesick, each time i realised that i've missed one of my best mates' bday celeb back home, i sink down again, now, when i'm pulled out from a comfort zone, i get homesick again. I really need to get out more, need to meet more people. I've gotta get my life moving, i have to motivate myself for next semester. (apparantly studying does not motivate me enough.)

Oh yeah, and to everyone out there. I will be back in dec. Come on, plan up my schedule. I wanna go out, have fun. Go for prata, coffee sessions, go partying, watch movies, go to the beach, clubbing, MAHJONG & KTV! Go clubbing, chilling! EVERYTHING! I so so so need to get out, i'm starting to getting extremely lazy, i realised, its always home and uni, other than the occassional outings and my occassional gym classes, i'm always bumming around. My diet program has flown out of the window a mth ago, (more esp so during the past 2 weeks). Starting to become a couch potato again. *sigh* I'm so so lethargic nowadays. Terrible. (attributed to sleeping around 10-12hrs everyday & arg! my headache's starting again!)

Ok, its time for the photos during my trip, lotsa lotsa scenery and stuff. Regretted not having a good nice pic with sheam and my aunts. Damm it. Here goes........


Aunt Regina buying groceries. Thats Merv carrying the oranges.


The weekend Central Market in Adelaide


Adelaide City Central. (not very happening-looking huh?)


Flowers galore at Bunnings.


My old sch chum. Weiying & Me @ Glenalg in Adelaide


A little house in Barossa Valley


Sheep farm in Barossa


Milk anyone?


The vineyard in Barossa Valley. (had fun going ard wine-tasting. *grinz*)


Jacob's Creek Visitor Centre. Nice huh?


See that yellow patch? Its a Canola field!


Olsen & Weiying. (opps, caught eating the chicken pie)


Densel & me. (acting cute not successful @ 2am)


The Adelaide famous: Pie Floater (only found in South Australia, *smuck*)


My darling babies. Don't they look cute?


Mimi (on the left) & Toto. Hee.. i woke them up for this pic. (I miss them soooo much!)


Blue Moutain in Sydney.


The 'Three sisters' (in NSW)


The idiotic half hour hike, just to take this ride.


Aunt Lisa & Uncle John


The ride, facing down.


In the sky in Sydney city.


Me on the sydney harbour cruise


The Opera House & the Sydney Bridge


Market City (where paddy's market is!)


Koala's sleeping... *shussh*


Cutie Wombat!



Wohoo!! Guess what? I'm still on holiday. Hee, gonna fly back to bris tmr, but for today, i'm still here in sydney. I wld have to say that this hols has been good for my mind & soul. I've relaxed a lot over these past few days, met so many new people, went out for daily walks with my babies. Hee. Its great. I'll update more when i'm back. But.. a couple of notes.

• Jo, darling, thank u so much for ur encouragements and updates. U know what, i realised that ur weekly emails does keep me going. *muckies*
• I've learnt of life outside me, what i see is not what i get.
• I'm starting to contemplate of moving to aus, getting my PR and staying here.
• I'll be back home in another 2nhalf mths! WhoPPee!
• Many have told me not to expect the same when i'm back home, things will change so much that i wld rather have preferred staying in aus. Will that be true?
• I still can't help feeling jealous of all my friends back home on the other hand. From time to time i still think that i've made a wrong decision by coming to aus. Have i?
• Questioning myself constantly is not good. I know i shd stop, but if i do, won't my thoughts become 'dead'?
• From all the blog readings, i've noticed that everyone kinda has their own life back home. Life does go on. Am i missed?
• Lastly...

Happy 21st Birthday Ling! A toast to our decade of friendship and to many more years to come. My best wishes always. Love You!

btw, i'll catch up with you soon ya? Hee, called during the wrong time on sat *paiseh*

life's a bitch, but embrace the bitch and you'll find it to be an angel
love it, don't abuse it

Desiree, aka Jenn or Jean.
coffee lover. spike me up with some peach martini & lychee daquri. secretly indulgences in hk drama serials. hearts pretty nails. absolute shoe whore.

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