Ind|v|Des|Res

_* Warning *_

- Thursday, October 13, 2005 / 1:35 pm.

Warning: Before you start reading this entry of mine. Be prepared to sit there for at least a while. This one is gonna be an emo entry for me, and one of the longest one i've typed.

In reflection of my past 95 days here. I've gone through enough to make the past 5yrs of my life seem shallow. To everyone, i've always been percieved as a someone whoes independent, someone who knows how to get things done, knowledgeable enough, someone who always puts on a similing face and is up for anything. In me, they know they can always count on to meet up and be there for them. Yes, to all the above, (i'm proud to admit), i know that i am. But only to a few do they know what goes down inside.

I've kept a part of my life a secret from many, my relationship life that is. Yes, i've been blogged cursing and stuff, but nv did i state the reason why. Its a part of me that i'm still learning to cope with, a part that is not confident to come out in the open yet. I don't know why, perhaps i'm not confident in my feelings in that area. The ones who stood by me through this, even though we are quite afar, i thank you. Deeply. You girls have been my pillar of support, the phone calls, the chats and emails. They pull me through each day i'm here. I thank god that you are my friend. Heartfelt thanks. Through this i know that somehow, we'll always be a lifetime of friends, for as long as we lived.

I doubt anyone can truely say that they understand what i've been through. Its time i tell the truth. My life here in brissy, has gone through many ups and downs. More than a mth ago, i was home alone for 5 consecutive days. That was something that i had to deal with and i went through it, then hit my depression stage. My housemates were all out doing there own stuff. I've had no one to call then, just sitting in front of the tv doing nothing. I couldn't call anyone of my friends and go out. I'm stuck alone. It was then that it really hit me that how alone i am here.

I no longer regret my choice of coming here to brisbane. In a certain way, my choice was one that made me grow up. I've learnt to feed for myself and watch my own back. I've learnt survival skills actually. Somehow, i'm strong when i detach myself from my close ones back home, friends and relatives. When i start to talk to them, read bout their life, i break down. The feeling of homesickness overwhelms me. It stops me, and gives me moments to miss. After that, until something comes up or i get busy, do i build up my wall again. I know seeing faith this sat will break my down again after she leaves. Yes, in some way, i'm thankful that i will be busy with exams and assignments then. Shd i be left with nothing to pressurize me, i think i'll cry all over again.

The tears i've shed, are a lot. You know my babes, each time i call ya'll, be it just to chat, or to catch ya'll during the birthday parties, when i hang up, my eyes will water with tears. Especially so when i call during the bday parties, you babes will never know how much i've yearned to be there, deep down, i do ache and feel sad that i'm not there. I've never known how much i've come to rely on you guys to keep me grounded, keep me company, be there for me until i've been away. In many ways, you girls have moulded me to whom i am now. For that, i thank god everyday that we're best friends. In truth, being away made me closer to you. Esp to graces and lavie. You girls have listen to my woes, through email and phone calls. Thank you. I Love you girls. *mucks*

It does suddenly hit me that for the past 3mths, there are some who i've only spoken to once or none. Valen and mimi, babes, where have you girls been? Its been ages since i've last spoken to you or we have chatted online or exchanged an email. Gosh. We've actually got quite a lot to catch up, don't we?

My darling jo, your weekly emails are really a bliss. It never fails to amaze me that, us, being coursemates for 3yrs, only really got to know each other less than 1nhalf yrs ago. And in this time, the understanding that passes through us are as old as a decade. Each of us have our own other groups of close friends, but when we get together, we enjoy each other's company to the max. You've taught me a lot, through you, i've learnt many things as well. Me, u, faith, pauline and jj has had some of the most fun and wild times, never would i wan to forget. *mucks* A lifetime of friendship to the darlings club (as faith named it.)

Its nearing the end of my 1st semester, i know when i go back, i'll look at my friends, my surroundings differently. Back then, i was just a kid, still living in my secluded world, thinking i'm independent and complaining that i'm bored with my lifestyle. Now when i go back, i'll learnt to be thankful instead, to treasure all the precious moments i have with my parents, family and friends. The 3 precious mths of summer holidays, will be filled with laughter joy and happinness. I'm determined that it would be. We shall enjoy won't we?

You know, there's smthing which i rarely allow myself to think about. Each time when i hear of friends losing their love ones, i start to think, what would i do when i lose someone close to me. True, i've lost friends and family myself. Most recently my grandma, but with my grandma, i've dealt with it in silence. I didn't dare to tell anyone in my family how i felt. How guilty i feel at times, for times in which i knew i wasn't nice to my grandma. My grandma has always been there, whenever i return home, she's there. She reprimands me for my own good, only 4yrs ago did i realised that. Young, i used to despise it when she scolds me, but now, i do regret, for not spending more time at home, accompanying here. I still remember, 3days before her death, i sat at her bedside and looked at her sleep. Then, i felt sadness and guilt, but at the same time i felt peace. Just looking at my grandma sleep. Come this 11th dec, will be her 1yr death anniversary. On that day, i know i'll look back a yr ago, look at my family and remember the sadness and the tears that were on their faces. I'm sad that my grandma did not lived long enough to see me past my 21st bday, but i'm thankful to know that during the past 20yrs of my life, she was a part of it. From 11th dec 04 til date, i haven really allowed myself to break down yet. And i'm afraid to do so. Now i am. I cry for her, emotions whelm up that cannot be put into words.

Something that i've not admit, i am a natural worrier, i worry for the health and saftey of my parents constantly. Esp my dad. Little people know, but now, my dad's health has detoriated a lot. Daddy's vision isn't as clear, yes he still drives, but he can't see well. Adding on that he is diebatic and has high blood pressure, daddy has had portions of skin on his leg that has 'died' and has to be carved out. Daddy also suffers from water retention in his legs. This. Daddy's health detoriating, i've never been able to bring myself to admit to it. In my mind, dad's always this strong person that i can go to, someone who loves me unconditionally. I'll always remember his tears for me when he and mom left brisbane. God, i wan my parents so much now.

The only way in which i was able to pull myself through these past days was to shut my thoughts and feelings aside, detach myself from the world back in sg. Now i know i can't do that anymore, i have to face it. I have to face the fact that my parents are going on their life back home and that they will be fine, face it that daddy's health is not as good as it had been, but he will still live on and til then, i'll cherish him and mommy for as long as i live. I'll face it, that my friends back home still do miss me as much as i do them. Although i don't hear it constantly, i shouldn't doubt the fact that they are missing me. Face it that i will miss gatherings and celebrations, but to know that there will be more to come.

Know why the sudden emotional forthcoming? Cuz i've watched a re-run of oprah winfrey show on the katrina catasthrophe. I've run through thoughts in my mind and the what if situation if it were me there in that horror, what will happen. I don't ever want that to happen. Ever, but hey, i know i can't stop it shd it come, thus, that made me think, made me realise that i have to cherish my friends around me, more so my family and love ones back home.