_* Coming together *_
- Friday, November 11, 2005 / 7:37 am.
Everything seems to be finally coming together. All so to the point, i donno, i'm having second thoughts bout returning back home to sg. Cuz i've found my comfort zone. Staying home alone isn't that bad now. Should i maybe prolong my stay and return back home in jan? hmm. Its weird that i only feel this way after my 2nd paper. I think cuz of all this time being stuck at home studying has made me learnt to like the 'home comfort'.
Had a long chat with ma graces yest. I miss her so. Miss talking to her, and how we used to meet for lunch at the coffeeshop downstairs. She always one of the most level-headed person i've ever met, and always, no matter what, she's able to give me a perspective and opinion. How i wish u cld come brissy dear.
Life for me has gotten to a point where aquaintences are seperated for friends. Whom i've learnt to trust. What to say and what not to say. Being attuned to the sensitivity of my friends. When is the right time to speak out. What i should say to be tactful. Whom i'm able to trust with what kinds of matters. Its a pt where i'm able to define my true friends, my confidants from the normal mutual friends. But it has also reached a pt where i'm beginning to ask a lot of qns, and wonder. Sometimes, i think, why do i think so much, why do i wonder, will it ever help? No. But thinking allows me to understand myself better. To dig deeper into what really matters to me. I've realised that it is due to keeping up due to appearences, due to the memories, or due to keep with it for the sake of what was back then. Somehow, now, it all seems so trifle to me. After so many years, its finally wearing me down. I've put in so much effort, but after these 4mths, i realised that i'm not being appreaciated. Being away from it, allows me to see things from a different light. I've been told that i have been biased in my opinions towards this, cuz i get easily irritated by all this non-appreciation. But its hard not to not have my opinions. Different ppl do feel differently, but shdn't one be attuned to the other by now? Its been a long time, its past the pt of just being friendly. When one passes that, shouldn't one's sensitivity changed? Shouldn't one know the other better?
As i've said before, there are many things in which through these 4mths i've begun to think. Yes, there is a disappointment. The disappintment still hangs there. I've told only 1 person bout this disappointment, she apologised. I know its not her fault, i don't blame her. But when promises are told and not kept, i can't help feeling the disappointment. And somehow that links up with feeling that i'm not being appreciated enough, for others to put in that extra effort. Its a part whereby i know that no words will be able to cover what i have felt. It will be there. For knowing as well as i do, the reciprocal will only be told to me, not shown through actions.
I've made a promise to myself. For this hols when i return, i won't bother making the effort. Why bother? Cuz u know when even u are there or not, life goes on, doesn't impact greatly on the other, cuz if it does, effort would have been shown thru the past 4mths. I'm starting to think that what LL told me i will feel during my 1st return will be true. Yes, very much. Yes. I've learnt greatly that actions does speak louder than words. For me.
I'm tired. I really am. When i think of the past, i do have happy times, but on the other hand, i think of how much effort i put in to bring that happy time together, i get tired. I can rem, that for 1 impt day of my life, i finally broke down. I got fed up of everyone not being appreciative. But that one person helped me thru and made it happen. To her, i'll always be grateful, of how she comforted me, told me everything will be alright and picked up the pieces for me then. She made, that day memorable for me. To my memory, that was the only 1 incident, i got truely fed up with and that i gave up. I nv did, give up, i always push thru, but now, its a whole new ball game. I won't bother pushing thru, cuz i'm learning to be more selfish i guess. I shdn't, but i am.
But one thing i know for sure. How next yr will shape for me while i'm away, will depend heavily on what happens during the coming hols back to sg.