_* Thought *_
- Thursday, December 15, 2005 / 10:39 pm.
Had a thought today. What if i had siblings? Will i still be able to live my life the way i had? Granted, yes, i know my parents have the ability to support more than 1 kid well, but then, life wouldn't be such a bed a roses, would it? Yes, i know i've been spoilt since young. For that i don't deny, what i wanted, i would eventually get it. My parents may not spoil me upfront, they always turn me down first or give me conditions to fufill then before i get what i wan, but eventually, i know i will get it. Now, though circumstances has changed, i no longer need to go to my parents for every small item i wan to get, but on the other hand, my taste has increased in value, thus, items that i wan do get more expensive. Unlike before, i don't need to obey my parents in terms of curfew or not being allowed to go out, but so instead, i approach my parents to have dinner with them, to go out with mom when i know she's free, to come home early on my own free will, to keep dad company watching tv. Isn't it Ironic?
I know i'm not the most humble person, in fact, i'm far frm being humble majority of the time. Yes, i can be, and am, materialistic. But looking ard me, isn't almost everyone too? Even simple day to day clothes, we look at buying it from Mng or Esprit. Everyday used items such as bags and wallets, we wan it to be Gucci or LV. Seriously, ard me, isn't almost everyone who has the ability to buy such stuff, buys it? Someone has told me i've changed since my return. Yes, i know i have. Felt it so myself. Why, i don't know. Perhaps things for me has changed. In many ways i never tot it wld be. Being independent was my dream then, but now, all i wanna do is stay home, dependent on my family. Isn't it Ironic?
Deep down, i have many things still left unsaid, untold. I wan to tell, but it seems, ppl arn't interested to know. Can't help but feel those ppl arn't at all concern about me, everything that was, is about them. Subconciously, i think they don't know thats how they are. I've said before that i like being pampered. That i don't deny, i still do. Having to take control all the time, is tiring, just laying back and knowing that its left in the hands of dependable ppl gives me a peace of mind. I can't leave it smtimes, cuz i know i can be control freak, i need to know what has been arranged will be carried out as planned. But time and time again, when i leave everything and push it to someone, it will eventually come back to me. Will i ever learn to let it go totally? Yes, i do hope so. Its wearing me down.
Know what, i actually miss faith now. Why? cuz its a sudden weirdness not to get calls from her in the middle of the day, just as she wakes up. Come to realised that we've talked on the phone a lot, planning and discussing and chit-chatting and even smtimes listening to her yaddle away bout who and who, gives a perk to my day. Haiz, anyway, she'll be away for another 6 more days, betcha she's got lots to tell when she returns. Because of her, i've come to love impromtu calls, from ppl, chit-chatting away on the phone. No one gives me that surprises anymore. Its always when smone wans smthing, then i'll get the call. The 3 other ppl who gives me such surprises are currently o/seas. I wanna chita-chatta.
Sudden memory came to mind. When i saw my darlings upon my return. Being welcomed with open arms, hugs and hugs all the time. Hugs for reassurance, for missing each other and the warmth feeling of knowing one's being loved. Hugs as a form of saying hi, yes, it may seem so poser, but actually u know what, i don't care, its fantastic to hug a love one and be hugged back. Be it in public or not, be it even when we see each other everyday.
I do love my life, even when i've got lots to say about it. I complain, i rattle, but actually, I'm Loving It.