_* Hot Long Bath *_
- Saturday, February 25, 2006 / 1:24 am.
Took a long hot bath. Soaking in the tub, many thoughts ran thru. In that one long bath, i've thought bout my life, took time to reflect on myself, and started to think of how others perceive me to be. Am I that unapproachable when I don't smile? Am I that strong-willed as ppl told me I am? Do I give others an irritating impression? U might ask why do I start to think of all these. The answer: I don't know. Seriously, this is the year I turn 22, a time when ppl tells me that life will pass me by in a flash, that soon, i'll be an old hag at 30.
Will I still be single at 30? Many a times I did ask myself that question. Back then, I used to think that I don't fear being single at that age. But after that talk a few nights ago with the girls before bed, I started to think twice. Guan pointed out to me something, a valuable point that I never really put much thought into. She told me that i'm probably feeling this way bout not fearing being single, because, now, none of my close friends are married yet. And that now, I do have a tight nit of friends, whom, majority are still single. Is this true? Am I feeling this way because of my friends ard me? What will I be when i'm 30? i've always visualize myself having a career at 30, but seldom the thought of being married and with kids. Instead, I seem to see myself as attending many of my friend's hens night, weddings, baby showers, children's birthday parties instead.
Or is it perhaps, that I do have aunts from both my parent's side that are unmarried and living a good life as well. Am I that strongly influeneced by my surroundings? Somehow, I think so. This thought has triggered in my mind for a while, ever since i've returned to sg during end nov then, i've attended weddings, congratulated many and heard my close friends' worries and thoughts bout the same topic. I think its affecting me somehow.
Or perhaps, i'm too deeply attached to the past to move forward. I think it would take me a long time to build up my confidence again, that relationship has scarred me somehow, in a way its hard to describe. A memory I know i'll always remember, cause it was my first. I admire my girlfriends, for being that strong, i've always given the advice, its easier said than done. When I see them move on, from one relationship, pick themselves up and build their confidence for the next, it's a strength that perhaps I don't think I have.
I wonder, thinking bout my character, how am I as a person?