_* Numb *_
- Tuesday, March 21, 2006 / 9:33 pm.
I'm Numb.
I'm sick of putting on a facade.
But i've hid behind a mask for so long,
I don't know what its like to bare it all anymore.
I hate myself for being in this state of mind.
I hate it that i don't have the determination to get myself totally out from it.
I seem to be in a field of holes, one moment i'm out, the next moment i drop back in.
I wan to be consumed with so much work that i can't think.
I wan to numb it off and drop it forever.
But i can't seem to do it.
Can I?
Yes, as someone once said bout me.
Quote: ".. may look strong & difficult to deal with on the outside but deep down, we are not...
... u are the best actress. u won the award hands down. for u dun shared/showed much of what u are gg thru...
... u already got a handful of problems that u can't solve urself but u appear strong & seem to hav gotten over ur prob when it did not..."
I'm admitting it now, that is me.
I think i think too much.
Perhaps i do.
I know i worry too much.
But thats the way i am.
Seeing myself being pulled away from home, returning back and then leaving again.
I see things through different eyes.
I start to wonder.
I start to question.
On different levels, things got better,
But on the other hand, i start to realise and see that what i tot we had then was just because i was there. I was a convinence.
Do u really care?
Do i really need to point it out that obviously?
I don't know anymore.
Perhaps, this was a test for whats to come in the future.
Perhaps, what i worried about then, or thought it will in the future really is gonna come true.
I don't want my words to be correct.
But somehow, it seems to portray that its gonna be.
I want to tell u so much, but it seems like i can't.
Or so i've been told that i shdn't.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Should i say it or not?
Somehow i got the feeling, even if i were to say it.
I would be ignored or disregarded.
Or perhaps, my words were listened.
But i know it will only be for that moment.
Prove me wrong.
ps: LL, tell me, shd i say it or not? Its been boiling in me since i've last spoken to u. How?