Its 30days counting til i get home and i think its time for me to say this. The real reason why i'm coming home. Yes, i do miss my friends and family a lot, but truthfully, what triggered the confirmation of my return home, is because of the doctors appointment i have. To be exact, 2 doctors appointment.

The first one, is to see my skin doc, this is nothing serious, just my usual routine check and to get medication for my scarred arms & legs as well as the blemishes on my face. Now, the 2nd one, i fear. For the past 2mths, health wise, things hasn't been gg so great. My diet has changed, i've eatten less chocs and ice-cream, in fact more veg, but things arn't still going great dispite my weekly exercise regime. Yes, i highly suspect i wld have to go for surgery. Now, 2 reasons are behind this. In the time since i've came back to aus, i've felt the occasional stabs of pain, in my arms and chest area, though not that frequent previously, now it has become worse as the weather got cold. I'm worried it can be rhumetism. But then again, i'm not an old hag, why in the world will i have rhumetism? These stabs of pain leaves me momentarily in shock for that few mins, my arms esp, when so, i feel weak and numb, my chest, leaves me gasping for air once or twice. I have not been diagnose what exactly is the problem yet, but i've have an idea what its gonna be, and i don't wanna face the truth just yet.

The 2nd reason, i'm afraid, is likely true and i know exactly where and what the problem is. Truth is, during that summer hols, i've seen someone that told me there is a swelling in my spinal lower back area, one where if the swelling goes on, will be cause of a stroke furthur down the road for me. For this, i'm not as worried as the first, cuz i've known the diagnose, and yes, i've been prescribed medication as long as a nightly hot bottle on my back to lessen the swelling. When i'm back, it would be time offically to consult a proper doc, do the procedures and have an op for it.

My health scares me, terribly, but its mostly my fault i let things get this way. My own fault for not having enough determination and willpower to prevent it from happening. Shd what Mr Andy said come true, i won't live to 50. Its sad to hear and know it, but i've accepted it. Its my fate i guess, my hands tell my future. But for now, i'm afriad to hear the truth about the pain stabs, i fear to know what i think will be true. Since knowing whats to come, has altered my thinking, emotions run that i've never known before, my perspective of life has changed. I've learnt to truely appreciate the present, living the life as normal as i can ignoring the signs.

This is something that no one knows, i've kept it inside of me for the past 6mths, i don't want to let mummy or daddy knows, my family can't know this yet. All the doctors appointments with regards to my health, is kept a secret. Until i can face the reality of it, then i can face my family.

A word of caution to my friends, i've said it here because this is where i can truely be myself and say what i truely want to say, my output release of feelings and thoughts. Please, i beg of you, do not tell my family about it. To my cousins - do no, i repeat DO NOT, tell anyone else. Keep this to yourself, u know the family is big and huge on gossip, i beg of you, please respect my decision to keep it quiet for now. To my friends, i thank you for all the love care and concern you have given me, somehow, i can predict that when i'm back in sg, drinking and clubbing etc, i'll be getting lectures, please my friends, i know u care and are worried, but for that moment, let me just enjoy it as i used to, nothing has to change. And to Guan - i can still rem when we first came, i told you about my spine, that concern u have for me, reminding me to get the hot water bottle, thank you for that, it made me smile, thinking of that warmth memory.

I'll be offically 22 soon, life was suppose to begin a new chapter, but instead, i'm learning more about facing truths. Is this how my 20s is going to be? I wonder.