_* A Lack Of...*_
- Monday, March 19, 2007 / 3:57 am.
Of late, my thoughts seems to surround around myself.
An unsettled feeling, or specifically the feeling of non-satisfaction and unfufillment.
Of how empty my life has become.
I'd admit, i still have my materialistic superficial side.
The love for shopping will never die.
But, i've truely learnt that retail therapy is only momentary joy.
Each day i return home, one thought always rangs true.
Emptiness.
Perhaps its cuz i see my friends moving forth.
Be it on personal or career, everyone around me seems to be moving forward.
Whereas, here i am, standing still.
I've done a small part, taking measures to plug myself into something new.
But no matter what, i still am standing here.
Unmoving from the spot i landed upon nearly 5mths ago.
Where i am today, only i have myself to blame.
The feeling of emptiness, very much caused by myself.
A personal fear i've built.
A wall around me, to be specific.
I cannot seem to cross that hurdle.
See past that wall.
I've said words to comfort myself.
Excuses to tell others.
Put on a mask, declare everything a-ok.
I'm tired of doing so, tired of being 'fake'.
Somehow, it has become second-nature of myself to put a strong front.
I don't like to hear others nag.
I don't want others to see the weakness in me.
Human pride, i could blame.
Can i really start being true to myself?
Can i start filling the hole?
Will the emptiness ever fade away?
Unanswered questions, whose to answer them?
_* topsy turvey *_
- Thursday, March 15, 2007 / 5:37 pm.
-Edited-
second fiddle.
this feeling sucks.
no matter how much i brush it off.
i'd always seem to find myself coming back and feeling this way.
i'm sick and tired of being in this position.
but its been years on, and no matter how much i've always thought its my imagination, perhaps it isn't.
Perhaps the word that i shd be using is USED.
i do feel used.
I shdn't have felt this way, but somehow i am.
No matter how much effort i put in, i will always be 2nd fiddle, 2nd place, the substitute, the one to be used.
Somewhere down, the feeling of hurt and being abandon comes along.
p/s: thanks to those who gave me a listening ear. Y, for giving me the comments and assurance that what i felt and thought, didn't make me feel as though i'm in the wrong. P, for opening up my eyes and making me realise what i shd have seen all along. I will try to heed ur advice, but possibily not be able to do what u adviced eventually.
_* Calls *_
- Sunday, March 04, 2007 / 11:47 pm.
When u haven spoken to someone for a long while.
And suddenly u do.
Its amazing the amount of time spent.
We did
2&halfhours (i think). a total of 4hrs.
WooSh!
Wallet damaged today. I did the unthinkable again.
Sigh. Thankfully its partially sponsered.
But still.
FAINT!
_* ROAR *_
- / 1:04 am.
Back i am. Once a mth its becoming.
CNY passed a flash for me.
All out i went, got my fake nails extended with bling blings.
Hair with the much needed cut, rebonded, dyed & treatment.
Not to miss out the facial to cleanse.
To end the celebrations with memories of gambling, angpao, gambling, clubbing, angpao & gambling.
Yes, i'm soon to declare myself Mahjong addicted.
Haa, i guess thats a known fact amongst my peers already.
I severly need the time to decompress and reinstate myself again.
But it seems difficult to achieve the easiest.
I've complained of doing absolutely nothing in bris.
Now home, i'm suddenly missing the control of my carefree life back there.
Quirkiness of life.
There are many things to touch on, but its hard to know where to start.
Perhaps i really do need to just stop.
Stop to hear my inner thoughts.